When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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