she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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