u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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