rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
