Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
