hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
