Will you blow on my dice?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
