This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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