I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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