just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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