my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
