come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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