Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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