Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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