I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
