burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
