captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
