worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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