That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
