Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
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