Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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