Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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