my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
