I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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