I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
honey bunches of taint.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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