Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
