yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
