I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
