You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
