My Higher Power is John Stamos
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I take back everything I said about communal showers
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize