I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
