I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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