I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
