I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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