so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
