I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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