i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
