If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize