Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
