I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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