Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
