Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Randomize
