I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
