I need to stop coming to work sober
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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