george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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