I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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