If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
