Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
