she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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