The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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