You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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