I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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