i would punch a child for taco bell
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize