The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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