can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
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