I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
