I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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