Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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