Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
