Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize