Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
