I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
