i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
