Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
