he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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