God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
